Understanding powerful thoughts and generating helpful responses

Introduction

Thoughts are often how we speak to ourselves. It seems we learn to think in childhood when people might tell us things, e.g. look three times before crossing the road and to remember this, we might say this out loud to ourselves a few times then after a while we don’t say it out loud but we still stay it to ourselves and this seems the origin of thinking.

In a thought then we are both speaker and listener and we are in relation to ourselves, in the same way as when you were started thinking, by someone telling you something.

As you work through these questions if you find it difficult to think of the answer, you might also ask yourself what would it be like if someone else was saying this to me.

The exercise has two parts, one to understand the thought, which can be helpful in itself and one to generate a helpful response.

Understanding

1.       Thought

a.       Choose a thought that you’d like to work on. If it’s a question e.g. what if I’m late tomorrow, turn it into a statement. I think I will be late tomorrow which means my boss will be annoyed

2.       Trigger

a.       What type of thing happens for you to have this thought? Is it something you do or something you experience?

                                                               i.      So when x type of thing happens I have this thought

b.       When this trigger happens how do you feel emotionally before you have this thought?

3.       Helpful Intention

a.       What are you trying to do and how by saying this thought to yourself?

                                                               i.      So when you think you are effectively speaking to yourself. As you speak you are acting, for instance you might be comforting, warning, joking, criticising etc. As you are acting you are doing this for a certain reason.  So you might say in saying this to myself I am joking to amuse myself, or I am warning myself of danger to protect myself

4.       Effects

a.       What are the effects of this thought? When you say this to yourself and you hear it, how does it affect you?

                                                               i.      Emotionally

                                                             ii.      How does it make you act afterwards?

                                                           iii.      How does it make you see the world and yourself?

5.       History

a.       Have there been any influences to either this thought, or this way of speaking to yourself

                                                               i.      People?

                                                             ii.      Events?

6.       Personification

a.       If you imagined a type of person who was saying this thought or type of thought to you, how would you describe them?

7.       Summary

a.       You may want to summarise you above answers

                                                               i.      When x happens

                                                             ii.      It makes me feel y

                                                           iii.      Then I say z to myself

                                                           iv.      As I say this to myself I’m doing x to myself in order to do y

                                                             v.      The effects of this are z

                                                           vi.      Its understandable that I might do this due to the following influences

Sometimes before trying to generate helpful responses it can be useful to generate some feelings of calm, safety and compassion.

If this is something you’d like to do, then see the appendix:

Calm=Soothing Breathing

Safety=Creating a safe place

Compassion=Creating a compassionate ideal

You may want to choose all or none of these, whatever you find helpful.

As you work through this exercise, as you think to yourself you might want to use a kind, supportive tone to yourself, or if you decide to write instead again you might like to write in a kind supportive way to yourself.

1.       Validation

a.       When the trigger happened, what was the emotion you felt that you wrote above

2.       Kindly offer alternative thoughts

a.       Interpreting the situation

a.       Thinking about facts

                                                                           i.      How would I think about the situation, if I wasn’t feeling the feeling I was feeling?

                                                                         ii.      How does my current emotional state change how I am seeing things?

                                                                       iii.      Are there any other ways of thinking about the present situation

                                                                       iv.      How will I feel about this event in 3 years’ time?

b.       Thinking about my response

a.       Have I managed setbacks before?

c.       Thinking about my rules

b.       Am I making unreasonable demands on the world and people

d.       Being supportive

c.       What would I say to support a friend in a similar position?

e.       Being empathic

d.       f the trigger situation involves someone else, then how can I understand how the others behaviour is reasonable for them?

Summary

You may find it helpful to write a summary of your thoughts, such that should this thought arise again in this situation you may think about it differently

Appendix

(The following exercises come from Paul Gilbert's Compassion based therapy)

Creating a  Safe Place

In this imagery we are going to try to create a place in our mind – a place that could give you the feeling of safeness, calmness. If you are depressed or distressed those might be difficult feelings to generate, but the act of trying, and the sense of it being the sort of place you would like to be, is the important thing. So remember, it is the act of trying the practice that is important, feelings may follow later.

The place may be a beautiful wood where the leaves of the trees dance gently in the breeze. Powerful shafts of light caress the ground with brightness. Imagine a wind gently on your face and a sense of the light dancing in front of you. Hear the rustle of the leaves on the trees; imagine a smell of woodiness or a sweetness of the air. Your place may be a beautiful beach with a crystal blue sea stretching out to the horizon where it meets the ice blue sky. Under foot is soft, white, fine sand that is silky to the touch.  You can hear the gentle hushing of the waves on the sand.  Imagine the sun on your face, sense the light dancing in diamond spectacles on the water, imagine the soft sand under your feet as your toes dig into it and feel a light breeze gently touch your face. Your safe place may be by a log fire where you can hear the crackle of the logs burning and the smell of wood smoke. These are examples of possible pleasant places that will bring a sense of pleasure to you, which is good, but the key focus is on a feeling of safeness for you. These examples are only suggestions and yours might be different to these.

It helps your attention if you practice focusing on each of your senses; what you can imagine seeing, feeling, hearing and any other sensory aspect. When you bring your safe place to mind allow your body to relax. Think about your facial expression; allow it to have a soft smile of pleasure at being there.

It is also useful to imagine that as this is your own unique safe place, created by you so the place itself takes joy in you being here.  Allow yourself to feel how your safe place has pleasure in you being here. Explore your feelings when you imagine this place is happy with you being there.

Creating a compassionate Ideal

First, engage with your soothing breathing rhythm and compassionate expression; bring to mind your safe place, the sounds, the feel, and the sights. Remind yourself that this is your place and it delights in you being here. This may now be the place where you wish to create and meet your compassionate image. You can imagine your image being created out of a mist in front of you, for example or just appearing. The image may be walking towards you. [Note: In Buddhist practice the student imagines a clear blue sky from which various images emerge].

This exercise is to help you build up a compassionate image, for you to work with and develop (you can have more than one if you wish, and they can change over time). Whatever image comes to mind or you choose to work with, note that it is your creation and therefore your own personal ideal - what you would really like from feeling cared for/about. However, in this practice it is important that you try to give your image certain qualities. These are superhuman – complete and perfect compassionate qualities that are there for you to practice creating and bringing to mind. They include:

A deep commitment to you – a desire to help you cope with and relieve your suffering, and take joy in your happiness. (Note: This is key from the evolutionary point of view)

Strength of mind – it is not overwhelmed by your pain or distress, but remains present, enduring it with you.

Wisdom - gained through experience - it truly understands the struggles we go through in life. We all ‘just find ourselves here’ doing the best we can.

Warmth - conveyed by kindness, gentleness, caring and openness.

Acceptance - it is never judgemental or critical, it understands your struggles and accepts you as you are. However remember too that it is deeply committed to help you and support you.

Please don’t worry about remembering all of these qualities and emotions because you will be guided through them again when we do the imagery.

Here are some questions that might help people build an image:

·                     Would you want your ideal compassionate image to feel/look/seem old or young; to be male or female (or non-human looking e.g. an animal, sea or light)?

·                     What colours and sounds are associated with the qualities of wisdom, strength, warmth and non-judgement?

·                     What would help you sense their commitment and kindness for you?

One of the key experiences is that your image really wants for you to be free of suffering, and/or to be able to deal with the difficulties, and to flourish. It knows that we all just find ourselves here, living as we do, trying the make the best of our minds and lives. It understands that our minds are difficult, that emotions can run riot in us and this is not our fault.

Practice experiencing what it's like to focus on the feeling that another mind really values you and cares about you unconditionally. Now focus on the idea that your compassionate ideal is looking at you with great warmth. Imagine that they have the following deep desires for you:

·                     That you be well

·                     That you be happy

·                     That you be free of suffering

The key to the exercise is not the visual clarity. Indeed some people don't really see their images in any clear way at all. The key to the exercise is the focus and practice on the compassionate desires coming into you. Here the practice is to imagine another mind wishing for you to flourish.

Now, you might have thought ‘yes but this is not real, I want somebody real to care for me’. That is, of course, very understandable and even doing this exercise could make you feel sad. That is because your intuitive wisdom recognises seeking for connectedness. The point to remember is that what we are trying to tackle is your own attitudes towards yourself, particularly feelings of shame or self-criticism. While it may indeed be desirable to find people who are caring, it's also very desirable that you create these feelings within you - so that you gradually learn to focus on compassion for yourself, rather than self-criticism. So try not to see it as an ‘either/all’, but as quite different processes between the compassion you give to yourself, and the compassion you'd like other people to give to you.

Soothing Breathing

Okay, to start with, find a place where you can sit comfortably and won’t be disturbed. Keeping your back straight, place both feet flat on the floor about shoulder width apart and rest your hands comfortably on your knees or in your lap. If you’re sitting on the floor or on a small meditation stool, you may like to have your legs crossed. Try and find a position that’s comfortable for you but don’t slouch – your back should be straight. Sometimes lying flat on the floor can be helpful if that’s the most comfortable position for you to start your work. The idea is not to relax so much that you become sleepy but to develop a certain type of alert focus and awareness. Now just gently focus on your breathing. Breathe through your nose, and as you breathe in, let the air reach down to your diaphragm – that’s just at the bottom of your rib cage, in the upside-down ‘V’. Place a hand on your diaphragm with the thumb pointing upwards and notice how your hand lifts and falls with your breath. Feel your diaphragm (i.e. the area just below your ribs) move as you breathe in and out. Do this for a few breaths until you feel comfortable with it and it seems natural and easy to you. Next, place your hands on either side of your rib cage. This is slightly more awkward because your elbows will be pointing outwards. Now breathe gently. Notice how your rib cage expands out against your hands, your lungs acting like bellows. This is the movement of the breathing you’re interested in – you feel your lungs expanding around you. So basically you want a breath to come in and down while expanding your rib cage at the sides. Your breathing should feel comfortable to you and not forced. As a rough guide, it’s about three seconds on the in-breath, a slight pause, then three seconds on the out-breath. But you must find the rhythm that suits you. As you practise, try to replenish the air in your lungs but not in a forced way.

Now just notice your breathing and experiment with it. Breathe a little faster or a little slower until you find a pattern that, for you, seems to be your own soothing rhythm, which feels natural to you. As you engage with it, you’ll feel your body slowing down. It’s as if you’re checking into and linking up with the rhythm. You’re letting your body set the rhythm, breathe for you, and you’re paying attention to it. Rest your eyes so that they’re looking down at an angle of about 45 degrees. You may wish to close them but be careful – you may become very sleepy. Now spend 30 seconds or so focusing on your breathing, just noticing the breath coming through your nose, down into your diaphragm, your diaphragm lifting, your ribs gently expanding sideways, and then the air moving out, through your nose. You can check on this by, first, putting a hand on your diaphragm and feeling it lifting and falling with your breathing. Next, put your hands on each side of your lower ribs and feel them being pushed apart as you breathe. Notice the difference. It’s an ‘all-round experience’ of the breath coming into your lungs and expanding them. Notice the sensations in your body as the air flows in and out through your nose. Just focus on that for 30 seconds (longer if you like) and sense a slight slowing of your breathing . . . Feel your body slowing down as you find and slip into your soothing rhythm. The important thing is to find your own rhythm rather than impose one. As for a focus for your attention, once you’re comfortable with your breathing, you can bring your attention to the inside of the tip of your nose. Try it and see how useful it is as a focal point for you.

Gilbert, Paul. The Compassionate Mind (Compassion Focused Therapy) (p. 226). Little, Brown Book Group. Kindle Edition.